Thursday, April 06, 2006

Thoughts from a warmonger 

I guess I too am a warmonger:
All of this has been great for warmongers, but now, after three years in Iraq, three years of torched Bush and Blair effigies, it’s time to look ahead on the busy warmongering schedule. These imperialistic quests can be divided into two categories: threats to global security, and countries suffering from Invasion Ego (the overwhelming belief that the United States wants to attack you, and will drop every other pressing military need in order to do so). Sometimes these two overlap. Some countries are annoying ankle-biters and some are giant pains in the arse. All deserve close scrutiny from warmongers big and small.

Tops on the list is definitely Iran. I love the Iranian people, and global opposition to the mullahs is dedicated and vast, but that little Nazi turkey has to go. In fact, I wouldn’t just like to topple the regime in Iran, but I’d like to make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad my house slave. (That makes me a warmonger and an ACLU nightmare.) Lockdown at Gitmo would look like a Carnival Cruise after Mahmoud was finished buffing and organizing my shoe collection. Every day he’d have to watch Schindler’s List. And Iranians would be able to have fun again without fear of being smacked by religious police.

I wonder if she's single?

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